<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>You Are The Reason by Skylarklady</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23610757">You Are The Reason</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skylarklady/pseuds/Skylarklady'>Skylarklady</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>TharnType the Series (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Drama &amp; Romance, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 15:55:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>20,266</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23610757</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skylarklady/pseuds/Skylarklady</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>How does a angry,  homophobic, slightly broken and damaged Type fall in love with  a man?  Something along the lines like this..</p><p>#After Chapter 9 - I have now had to change the rating to Mature#</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Tharn Kirigun/Type (TharnType)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>173</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The Beginning</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>All written fro  Type's Pov, starting in order from episode 1 and will go throughout the show. "In between the scenes" sort of thing</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><br/>
My hands were sweaty as I rubbed them against my trousers, still debating if this was actually a good idea or not. That little whisper in my head was nagging me again. I ignored it, feeling the anger bubbling up at myself as the cold sweat started breaking out in the back of my neck. Anxiety was making itself home in the corner once again.</p><p>"Are you sure you are going to be ok Type? " I could hear the worry in my mother's voice and I quickly turned around and smiled as reassuringly as I could.</p><p>Her eyes were sad, but her smile was genuine. A mother's smile trying to hid her worry. It saddened me as I knew all she wanted to do was reach out and hug me but we both knew the reaction wouldn't  be good. I swallowed the lump in my throat. I wish I could soothes her worries, but a small smile was the best I could offer and we both knew it. "You know, its not too late to change your mind. Your father wouldn't mind you staying home and helping out at the resort. We both know he is rubbish at doing the books and bookings anyway! He would be lost without you and he knows. You don't have to force yourself. It's okay do admit it sometimes"</p><p>I shook my head. It was really too late to turn back now, all the forms had been handed in, fees paid and contracts signed.  I had spent the whole summer convincing everyone that this would be a good idea, including myself, multiple times. This was a chance to start over. To be someone else then that scared pretty boy everyone was always walking around on eggshells around.  I would just be Type.</p><p>"I need to do this" My voice was firm and the grip on my duffel bag tightned. I was trying but I wasn't sure who I was trying to convince,  me or my mother. That lump in my stomach wasn't going away, but this would be the way to face my fears, throwing my senses into the deep end and dealing with the aftermath. It had been soo long since that day.  "I don't want to be that boy anymore" I whispered, hearing my voice cracking, desperately hoping my mother wasn't going to push me further. "I don't want to be broken anymore"</p><p>A wave of pain flew across her face. It was still painful for all of us, but it had always been worse for her. I knew she felt like she had let me down, unable to protect her son. It was the same reason why my father wasn't here to wish me well. I could still see the shame in his eyes, and the never ending pain. We were all still broken and damaged, and I wanted to find a way out. This was the only solution I could think of to at least make everyone else believe that I was somewhat not so damaged as everyone thought. But I was also hoping that this would fix whatever was broken inside of me. At least that I had been able to admit to myself. Whenever it was fear or pain, or something else, something in me was missing. An emptyness. I wanted to shake that away, the feelings of the hopelessness. Even if I could turn back the clock, and make the darkness and the nightmares go away, I wanted to find the reason. Why things had turned out this way, why people could be so evil.</p><p>"Type?" My mother voice shook me out if my thoughts.</p><p>"Sorry" I kept doing this, my mind racing away on it's own. This will be good" I nodded. "For all of us" I letter out a deep breath.</p><p>As on que, the familiar blue mini bus turned up on our driveway. I glanced up towards the living room window, and as expected my father was peaking behind them. I cracked small smile. It was so him. He threw his hand up into an awkward wave and all I could do was nod back. I turned back my mother and ignoring the voices, I leaned over and quickly gave her a quick half hug. "I'll be fine"</p><p>With those small words, I hoped on the bus, not looking back, hiding all those emotions under the surface. A small wet tear escaped and ran down my face but I quickly whipped it away.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>☆☆☆                             ☆☆☆                            ☆☆☆                          ☆☆☆                                 ☆☆☆</p><p> </p><p>The journey took a lot quicker and before I really wanted to, I had arrived. Freshman year in college.  Sportsmajor. Everyone had been asking on that one, even me sometimes. I was clever, smarter then most people and studying had always been easy and effortless. Perhaps because I had spent too much time indoors at one point. So it would have made sense to study engineering or something. Others had raised an eyebrow when I had announced my major, sports. There was no denying I had once been good at football, but even rusty, I could outrun and dribble half of my own teammates into confusion. It provided my body with the distractions my mind too often needed.  It had probably made sense to a lot of people if I never touched a football ever again, but I had never blamed that innocent white plastic ball. It hadn't made people evil or perverts. It would never change what had happened.</p><p>I looked down at the map over the college. It was bigger then I had expected. I had pushed the idea of sharing a room with someone for the whole summer. No matter how much I had nagged my father to live off campus, it had been his one ultimatum for doing this foolish thing in the first place. "You have to make friends again, Type" his voice had been firm back then. There had been no way of questioning him or protest when he used his dad voice. It wasn't often but when it came to stubbornness, his father always won.</p><p>I sighted, and looked at the map again and started slowly making my way to the Male's dorm. We hadn't been given any information about our roommates, perhaps that had been for the better.</p><p>The door to my new quarters was already slightly opened as I reached the top,  and as I glanced through the small crack, a tall wellbuild man was already packing up his boxes. He looked kind. I swallowed, shaking off my nerves and with a deep breath, I made my way inside.</p><p> </p><p>☆☆☆       ☆☆☆</p><p> </p><p>Sleep wasn't coming easy, and the white sealing was looking dull and dark, unable to make myself at home. My mind was once again racing. Trying to make myself as comfortable as I could, I turned around to my side, arms tucked underneath my pillow.  The introductions had gone smoothly, and my roommate was snoozing softly in his bed. Tharn. His smile had been genuine and so had his offer. I wasn't sure what to make of him just yet. He was wellbuild and good looking. As long as I could hide all my broken parts, I felt like we would get along just fine.  At least he seems to have no trouble sleeping.</p><p>I let out a heavy sigh and turned around once again to end up starting up at the sealing.</p><p>"Can't sleep?" I jolted around at the noise. Tharn har turned in his sleep and was looking right at me.  I felt panic set in, and that little voice in my head was already kicking myself, it hadn't even been 24 hours and I was already looking like a small kid in front of someone. "Homesick?"</p><p>"I am not a little kid" I growled back at him, defence mode kicking in already and as always. I closed my eyes, turning away from Tharn. <em>Stupid.. stupid stupid..</em></p><p>I could practically hear Tharn smile behind me, but stubbornness had already sent in and I knew whatever he said I wouldn't be turning around to face him.</p><p>"I'm homesick" Tharn admited outloud. "I miss my brother and little sister. I miss my bed, this is the first time I have had to share my room with a stranger"</p><p>Silence filled the room.</p><p>"It's not homesickness" My voice was only a small whisper. It wasn't, not really. "I wish I could go back into time. When life was easier, not so complicated, you know"</p><p>"That time when you were young and life was simple" I continued. "When you used to run so fast and far, barefoot, not caring about anything in the whole wide world.  When none or nothing could catch you, the blissfully unaware of how bad the world is. When we didnt know anything about heartbreak, or to be broken. When the biggest joy was sitting on the beach, eating icecream and laughing so hard that you got stomach ache."</p><p>There were no reply from the other end of the room, and my mind was being to race again. Why had I just done that? <em>Too much Type, too much!</em> My mind suddenly came to a halt. A soft humming filled the room. I turned around, peaking at Tharn, his long body fully stretched out on the bed, eyes closed. He wasn' singing, but the noise softly filled the room and killed the silence. I felt myself closing my eyes, and a peacefulness started to drift over me. My thoughts stopped, and before I knew it, with a lullaby I drifted off into a sleep.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. A Growing Hate</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I am trying to be as realistic and true to the tv show!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <strong>"  I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain. - James Baldwin</strong>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>☆ ☆☆</p><p> </p><p>The words hit me like a brick wall. Hard, cold and heavy. The feeling of having someone pour a bucket of ice over my head, a shiver going across my whole body. I felt my body slump at the words, unprepeared for them. I stared at my best friend, Techno in disbelief, desperately wishing he was wrong, or that I was simply mishearing it.</p><p>Gay.</p><p>Tharn.</p><p>I felt Techno's eyes on me, scanning my face for the reaction. His voice was so innocent, panting the words out, one by one, not realizing the impact of each one had on me. It came, like a massive wave. The anger, slowly bubbling up. I bit my lip, trying to contain it breaking out onto Techno, who clearly wasn't choosing his words very well. Not that this was his fault, as he was blissfully unaware of the effects the words where having on me.</p><p>"Did you hear what I said, Type?" Techno was tapping me gently. "Tharn is gay" he was still panting slightly, having felt the need to run and tell me these news.</p><p>The words where echoing in my head, over and over, a sickness growing in my stomach, making me gag, on reflex. I wish he would stop saying it. It was like a curse, a horrible curse. I had to fight the feeling of nausea as memories where overflowing my mind at the words coming out of No's mouth.</p><p>
  <em>The basement, the dirty football rolling away. The sounds of a door being locked. The dirty old pervert creeping closer to me, grabbing me. My muffled screams, fighting against it. Hands touching, grabbing, holding down...</em>
</p><p>"TYPE!!" Techon was shouting now, grabbing onto me slightly, shaking me and snapping me out of my trance, breaking me free from my nightmares grabbing onto me in broad daylight.  I was slightly aware I had broken into a cold sweat, panting heavily. "Are you ok man?" The concerned look in Techno's face was real, but I avoided looking at it as I leaned back against my locker, desperately clinging into my sanity. My legs were starting to feel like jelly, realization hitting me hard. </p><p>"I'm fine" I brushed my little flicker of hair away from my forehead, trying to gather myself again. Sometimes I forgot that even though I had know Techno since high school, there were things he didn't fully know or understand.  Things I had chosen not to tell him. He was all too aware I hated gays, even if he didn't know the reason behind it or understood my actions. I always felt like if I told him, my reality would come crashing down on me again, and I would see the same look everyone gave me. The look of pity. The need to fix me and understand me.  So he was doing what he always did, trying to prepare me for what I would be facing. Trying to be a good friend. If I wasn't currently in a state,  maybe I would even have thanked him.</p><p>"Dude, were you even listening to me??" Techno was getting slightly annoyed by now, clearly expecting something different from me.</p><p>I had to clench my fists to hold the growing anger at bay. The last thing I wanted to do right now was to punch Techno, it wasn't his fault. "Yeah I heard you"  the annoyance was growing inside of me, and all I wanted was to get away from Techno, from everyone. </p><p>"I got to go" I quickly grabbed my gym bag, slamming my locker harder then intended. It helped the monster inside me, a little bit. He settled down, retracting his claws just a bit. Techno watched my actions and ran after me.</p><p>"To do what?!" He shouted, unable to keep up with me as I was half running, half marching across the campus, steps determined, and desperate.</p><p>"To kick my gay roommate out" I screamed back, the anger coming back again, another wave of nausea hitting me, but I bit back, all to used to the feelings coming. I let it come, flow more freely as I rushed up the now familiar steps up to my dormitory. By this point, I was nearly shaking, ready to punch, pounce and bit back at Tharn. I flung the door open, hard and nearly fell over when I realized the room was currently empty. No Tharn.  I was still shaking, panting heavily my body and mind aggrivated, completely ready in defence mode. I slumped down on the bed, ready  to unleash my anger towards my roommate who wasn't  there, forcing myself to slow my breathing down before I made myself pass out.</p><p>I ran my hand through my hair, letting the action calm me down, with deep breaths. The reaction was always instant when someone threw that word around me. My body remembered and my mind reacted, as it always did, never kindly. A part of me wanted to deal with this in a calm manner for once, another one wanted to kick Tharn's ass, for lying to me. Making me believe he was ordinary and kind, not like those filthy perverts. I let out a heavy sight, my hands running through my hair once again, and began to wait.</p><p> </p><p>☆☆☆</p><p> </p><p>The silence in the room was so quiet and the tension so thick you could have cutted it with a knife. The only occasional noises filling the room, was the rustling of papers and books, being put back to their rightful place on the desk. I could feel Tharn's eyes glare at me in the back of my head, as he picked up a dozen drumsticks, loudly putting them back in the drawers, the noise making me jump slightly,  but I refused to indulge in any more fights for today. I hadn't expected Tharn to reatilliate back at me in this way, but as they say an eye for an eye. The only one I had know to be as silly and as childish as me was my dad, and he always won.</p><p>I let out a snort, silent but loud enough to fill the room, as I shook my head, picking up another book off the floor.</p><p>"What's so funny, Type?"</p><p>
  <em>This. This whole situation.  Why I always seem to get myself involved with your kind of people.</em>
</p><p>I shrugged, remaining silent and bending down to pull my shoes out from underneath the bed, all scattered in a colour coordinated way.  I couldn't help to let out another snort at the irony in the shoes neatly spread, at least the guy had some style.</p><p>Tharn wasn't dropping it. "Why do you hate me all of a sudden? 24 hours ago we were getting along just fine, and then you hear the word gay, you completely flip out and starts throwing tantrums like a little kid"</p><p>My answer was quiet and low. "Because I just do" I was suddenly thankful my clothes had remained intact from the demolishing of the room. There thankfully wasn't a lot left to clean up. I turned around, still keeping my head low and began to bend down to pick up the dozen amount of paper spread across the floor.</p><p>"Nobody hates things without reason, it doesn't work that way. I didn't wake up this morning hating you" Tharn tilted his head, his eyes trying to catch mine. "What happened to you to make you this way, to feel so much anger towards something?"</p><p>I was getting tired, my head starting to ache, the anger still there. "Can we please not do this now?" I threw my hands up in a sign of defeat, still firmly keeping my gaze away from his general direction. "Just for today" I cursed myself for the way my voice was cracking, the tiredness in it. "I will go back to hating you tomorrow"</p><p>"Type...." His voice was soft, barely a whisper, it lured me to look up, it was the same soothing sound my mother used to make when I was reaching breaking point. I gasped slightly,  not realizing Tharn was only inches from me, when had he moved? I couldn't look away, his presence tapping on my own personal space. His eyes weren't judging, there was no hate in them, no look of disgust. He looked sad, a little tired too maybe.</p><p>I snapped  back to my senses and backed away, quickly turning around. I couldn't handle seeing that look. It wasn't pity. It was the same look as when people  fnd a lost beaten up puppy, that they just have to save. "Please" I pleaded. <em>"Just please"</em> </p><p>Tharn didnt reply back. The sound of papers being ruffled back together filled the room, letting silence set back again, as we carried on cleaning up our joint massacre of mess. </p><p> </p><p>☆☆☆</p><p> </p><p>I had never made a habit of drinking, even less getting actually drunk or passing out. I was expecting my head to explode but it was peacefully quiet for once. A warm buzzy happy filling my thoughts. For once I couldn't care where I was, or if I was in the presence of someone else. It was nice, my usual angry self was thanking me for allowing me the break.</p><p>In the back of my head, something was trying to make me aware of where I was, but all I could feel was a warmth wrapped around me. Around my legs, hugging my back gently. I found myself not minding it. It felt safe. I felt protected, like nothing could touch me if this warmth kept me safe.</p><p>Snuggling deeper into it, I tried to grab onto it, reaching out and tugging with all my might. I felt it shift around me, disappearing slightly, panicking, I wanted to pull it closer. I moaned in protest, tugging again. The warmth settled down again, wrapping me up even closer. I sighted thanfully, my head digging into it, slowly feeling myself settle down.  A humming noise lullaby me back into a peacefulness and I hugged the warmth around me even harder, desperately not wanting it to go. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hate it , love it?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Haunting Nighmares</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Thank you for all the kudos and comments, best motivation ever! Glad people seem to be interesed in the story!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>
    <em>“ It’s because the door hasn’t been closed yet that the nightmares still find their  way in.” – Joyce Rachelle.</em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>I stared in disbelief in the bathroom mirror, half hoping it was another new kind of nightmare or me being delusion after falling off the bed too hard. A ruffled Type was glaring  back at me. He looked anything but amused at this practical joke. </p><p>One. Two. Three. </p><p>Hickes. </p><p>Very visible hickeys. </p><p>On me.</p><p>Hickeys, Tharn had spent half the night making.</p><p>Without thinking my hand went up, tracing all three, neatly against my collarbone. How could I have sleep through this? Drunk or not, I had hoped my conscience would have woken me up and saved me from this embarrassment. Clearly my head had been having other ideas.</p><p>My face frowned  back at me. </p><p>Why hadn’t I at least tried to punch Tharn, for doing this? Why had I ran and hid under the bed like a girl? I had been holding back. I sighted again, still in denial. </p><p>My image nodded back at me in agreement. Payback would have to be in order, all though, how would I top this? If I wasn’t currently raging, I would have applaud Tharn for the tactics, they were as brilliant as they were foolish.</p><p>Sighting, I picked up my toothbrush. This was going to be a long day. Also  a day to kill Techno for leaving me along, defenceless. I brushed furiously, hoping the actions would distract  me from hearing Tharn move around the room, getting ready for the morning lectures. Why hadn’t the man left yet? Usually , he was always awake and nearly gone before I had even turned off my alarm. Freaking morning person.</p><p>A sudden knock, jolted me and I nearly dropped my toothbrush from the noise. Swallowing, I remained motionless, and ever so quiet. The boy in the mirror was urging me not to move. </p><p>“If you are going to hide in there for much longer, you are going to miss your class” Tharn snickered through the door, knocking again. I was pretty sure I had stopped breathing at this point. “ You do realized , there are only one room? It’s not like you can hide there forever, Type”</p><p>“Piss Off!!” I shouted back as I regained my senses, throwing my toothbrush at the door, my cheeks burning slightly. I could practically hear Tharn grinning behind the door. Smug. My stubbornness wanted to set in, and I was seriously considering hiding in the bathroom all day. It was cosy enough.  </p><p>“See you later, roomie”</p><p>I heard the door click, and with very cautious steps , I slowly  picked up my toothbrush off the floor, opened the bathroom door and peaked out. With a sigh of relief, that the room looked empty, I made my way out. Rushing out to my wardrobe, I grabbed the first white clean shirt I could find, and with swift movements that would have made my mother proud if she could have seen me now, I had gotten dressed in what must have been record time. Fearing Tharn could return just to mess with me, I dashed out the door without doing my normal hair routine or double checking my gym bag. It simply wasn’t worth it. Besides, I had a friend to kill. </p><p> </p><p>-3-3-3</p><p>“It’s okay Type. It’s okay” </p><p>I was unable to stop shaking, the nightmare lingering longer then usual, and my hand soar from slapping Tharn across the face. I heard him close the door to the bathroom, the shower turning on. I glanced at the clock, 8.30. It was still early, I had only been asleep for less then ten minutes.  Swallowing, I forced myself to try and move. I had to get out, I had to just get away, from this room, from the nightmare. Just somewhere. Somehow I managed to untangle the sheet, my limbs feeling like jelly, my hair sticking to me, the cold sweat lingering. I quickly threw my pyjamas on the bed and grabbed something more comfortable, half afraid Tharn would come out and I would have to face another reality I wasn’t ready to deal with. My patience with haunting memories for one day, had ran out. I wasn’t even sure if I could look Tharn in the eyes, at least not for today, not until I could come with a good excuse for today’s behaviours. Telling him the truth was out of the questions, and I had a feeling he wasn’t going to buy my usual made up answers that had worked for the last few years with other people. Tharn may not be as smart as me but he wouldn’t been fooled like the rest. He had seen the terror in my eyes, the trembling. God knows what else he was catching onto. I didn’t want to know, and I didn’t want him to try and understand me either. </p><p>Hastily, I grabbed my shoes and made it for the door. I thought I could hear the shower being turned off, and the bathroom door being opened but I ran out as quickly as I could without looking back, the guilty nagging a bit, but the fear kicking in over having to deal with the situation, was winning tonight. </p><p>The cold night air was refreshing as it hit my face. It was a silent comfort. I made my way down to the football field, appreciating the empty campus. Peaking around, I was grateful to find none of the seniors still practising, it was a common sight and if they saw a freshmen out there now, I would be in for a telling off.</p><p>My head was already nagging me, my thoughts trying to linger back to the moments before. </p><p>I had heard his voice in my sleep, calling out, and I had desperately tried to grab on. I was not picturing the comfort of Tharn’s arms around me, his hand slightly rubbing my back. His soft whisper’s in my ears, pulling me out of my nightmare, trying to chase away the demons still clearly lingering there. Ignoring it, I started jogging slightly, letting the motions of my body take over my mind. </p><p>I don’t know how long I ran for, or how many laps around the field. At some point, it must have started raining, but I was far gone by then, needing to make sure every ounce of energy was gone, so there was no left for my head to think or any nightmares to come creeping in. A few warmer drops where sliding down my face, but as far as I was concerned, they were not tears. </p><p>That sick old, filthy...</p><p>I shook away the images appearing in my head. He wasn’t going to win, not tonight. I kept running, quicker and faster. I ran to the point where my legs buckled under me, and I was panting so hard, no air was reaching my lungs. I slumped down on the grass, letting my mind go blank. </p><p>Moments passed, I could have stayed there forever, the peacefulness embarrassing me, all thoughts nearly gone, but then my alarm rang. 10:40. Curfew would be ending in twenty minutes. Hesitating, I sat up, willing my body to move. I felt stiff already, but my body tired. It was a good sign. </p><p>My phone buzzed again, surprised I looked down. </p><p>Mom the display showed.</p><p>I hesitated again, fingers hovering over the answer button. Swallowing, I picked up. “Hi”</p><p>“Type” My mother’s voice was soft as she greeted me. “Why are you still up?” It sounded like she hadn’t expected me to pick up my phone at all. </p><p>Sighting, I shrugged to myself. “Just out for a run” I wasn’t lying, not really, I told myself. </p><p> “Type” Her voice turned firm, clearly not buying my excuse. “You promised you would never lie to me”</p><p>“I couldn’t sleep” I whispered back, mentally kicking myself.</p><p>“Nightmares again?”</p><p>I nodded, unable to answer back, afraid I would fall apart on the phone to her. I had nearly managed to convince her that all this was behind us now. That I was fine. “I did something stupid to someone” My voice cracked, a small attempt to change the subject, but the guilty had began to kick, as I remember punching Tharn. “I don’t really know how to apologize to him.</p><p>“Did you punch someone?” My mother voice was half teasing me, but also serious at the same time, knowing me all to well.</p><p>To guilty to answer, I nodded back into the phone. </p><p>“Then you go and apologise”</p><p>“How?” I whispered back, embarrassed.  </p><p>“You say sorry”</p><p>“What if he won’t listen?” The thoughts scared me. “Besides, what if I didn’t really do anything wrong? What if he simply didn’t mind his own business and got nosy, when he should have just left me alone?”</p><p>“Do you feel guilty over your actions?”</p><p>“A little” I replied. “But he shouldn’t have gotten involved in the first place! If he had just left me alone, he wouldn’t have gotten punched” I defended myself.</p><p>“Did he mean well?”</p><p>I pouted, sulking at my mother’s words, knowing she was right. I wasn’t replying. </p><p>“Type, did he mean well?”</p><p>“Maybe” I was still sulking. </p><p>“Then you apologise ” My mother’s voice was firm, like always when she wanted to. “If he understands, he will forgive you. If not, then at least you tried.” She continued. “I have to go, your father is coming” and with that she hung up. </p><p>Still disagreeing with my mother words, I kicked a bit of grass in protest, glaring at the phone and started making my way back to the door. I hated when that woman was right. </p><p>-3-3-3-</p><p>The room was quiet  and ever so dark when I came back, my body slightly  shivering against the summer warmth, suddenly realising  how wet I actually was. I glanced over at Tharn’s bed, his back turned to me, thankful he was sleeping. I wasn’t ready to confront him about tonight’s actions just yet, the bravery not there. </p><p>Tip toing in the dark, I managed to pull off my wet cloths and crawl back into my pyjamas , still slightly shaking. Hopefully I would warm up soon. I was half kicking myself now, realizing that perhaps running around in the rain like a mad  lunatic hadn’t been the best idea for today, but then again I had made no wise decision at all in the last 24 hours. Getting drunk, falling asleep on Tharn’s bed, getting caught by Tharn twice in one day, or being fully exposed by him either. Letting him see me in my weakest moment with no way out. </p><p>I glanced at the little plastic bag I had brought with me, surprised to have seen the convenience store still open. That guilty little voice was still nagging on me.</p><p>Sighting, I grab the content of the bag and sneaked over to Tharn’s bedside table as quiet as I could, and gently put it down. If this didn’t make my mother proud, I don’t know what would. </p><p>“There you go, you jerk. Don’t think this makes us even!” I whispered out into the dark, and to the sleeping Tharn. Not feeling any better about it, I slowly made my back into bed, and threw myself into a restless sleep.</p><p>If I hadn’t been so tired, I would have noticed Tharn turn around in his sleep, clearly not having been asleep after all. I would have noticed him glancing at the night stand, picking up the small little tube of cream, with a small smile, gently applying it to the bruise on his face. I would have seen him turn in my direction, with a soft but concerned look on his face. I would have seen him get up, and gone to tuck my duvet over me, that had quickly been tossed around. I would have heard him whisper a soft Thank you.  If I hadn’t been so exhausted from nightmares, I might have noticed. I might have. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. A Restless Sleep</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I was going to add this at the end of chapter 3, but decided against it. It is shorter, but I felt,  it would be better like this.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><br/>
<strong><em>Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths” – Etty Hillesum</em></strong> </p><p>I groaned as I peaked at my phone from underneath the covers, my head pouncing. I managed to lift my body a little to peak up. Techno, was ringing  again. I moaned as my muscles protested at the movements, reaching out and, the phone turned off.  I only had myself to blame for yesterday’s actions, good and bad.  Curling underneath the covers, I let sleep embrace me once again, luring me into a false sense of security as the nightmares took hold of me again. </p><p><br/>
<em>I was back in the basement . </em>
</p><p>
  <em>It was always that damn basement. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Dirty, dark, filthy with a foul smell of mould and rats. A silvery metal cage. The stench was still so clear in my head.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Looking around, I was bracing myself to see the man who was about to appear, he always did. Small, cubby, and always grinning at me. His hands grabbing mine, forcing me on my knees. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The scene never really changed. Only difference now, was I used to see a little boy, a little Type, sit in the corner. Now there was just me starring at the old chair in the corner, a football placed near it. The little boy had turned into me.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It always started like this. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>A pair of light footsteps came creeping behind me.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Already shaking, I forced myself to turn around, knowing all to well there would be nowhere to run. There never was. The door was always locked, and my feet would always freeze on the spot. All I could ever do was wait for it all to pass.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>When I had been younger, I used to kick and scream, shout so loud, but now I let the nightmare play out it’s course. It was easier that way, to just give in and let</em>
</p><p>
  <em>it pass.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I gasped in shock at the sight in front of me.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tharn was standing in front of me. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What are you doing here?” Somehow my feet where able to move, and I found myself walking closer, amazing and shocked, knowing fully this was all a dream.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>None had ever appeared in this place before. Tharn didn’t reply to my question. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I tried again “Why are you here!”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He didn’t reply. Instead, Tharn moved closer to me, grabbing my hand and squeezing it tightly.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Don’t look at me like that” I wanted rip my hand out of his grip, back away,  and tear my gaze away from Tharn’s. He was just standing there, in his usual white shirt, one button still open, head tilted. His eyes so soft as he looked back at me, one hand coming up to stroke that little flicker of hair away from my face. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I didn’t flinch away at the touch. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You shouldn’t be here” My voice was only a whisper as the last few words cracked up. Again Tharn didn’t speak up, his hand gently stroking my cheek, whipping away the odd tear falling down. I  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I found myself leaning into his touch, embracing it. I could feel his other hand wrapping around me, pulling me into his solid chest. Closing my eyes, I stopped fighting. My arms grabbed onto his wide shoulders, desperately. I felt his other hand come around my neck, pulling me in so tight there was no air between us.</em><br/>
<em>“I’m going to kiss you” His words were a bare whisper as his lips brushed against my ears. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I stopped breathing as he leaned closer to me, and before I knew it, his lips were on mine. The world could have exploded and I wouldn’t have noticed a thing. Tharn pressed himself closer to me, his hands finding my hair, yanking me closer.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>For a moment, I surrendered to the kiss. I forgot everything I knew about family, hiding, nightmares and secrets. I forgot who I really was and the only thing that existed wad this moment right here, this feeling. No scary monsters coming to get me. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>His lips covered mine, his fierce and hungry, mine soft and inviting. Tharn plundered my mouth , seeking every secret treasure , and I meet his kiss with teeth, tongue and fire. I felt myself sink into him, and drown.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Gasping, I pulled back, trying to gather myself. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>And then he came, from the shadows, yanking me away from Tharn.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A silent scream escaped my lips and I reached out, trying to hold onto Tharn in any way I could. He stood motionless now, like statue, eye’s watching me getting pulled away into the darkness once more. </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Also please note,  I am actually not a native english speaker, so if there is any grammer error, I am sorry and I do my best to try and avoid it! Please leave a comment, it always helps so I know what I am doing good (or bad). Promise there shouldn't be too much angst in future chapters!! But Type is a very complex character if you ask me. If the series ends up being popular, I might do one from Tharn's point of view too. So feedback is greatly appricated!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. In Denial</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Trying to sort out Type's thoughts leading in to the shower scene....</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>The trouble with denial is that when the truth  comes, you aren’t ready – Nina Lacour</strong>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Something had changed since I had found out that Tharn had been looking after me while I had been lying in a bed, sick and feverish. I couldn’t put my mind on it. Nothing had really changed, and yet something had. There was an awkwardness  brewing in the air. Unanswered questions I didn’t dare to say out loud.<br/>

Perhaps, it was because he had started to enter my dreams, entered into the darkest corners of me, which I wished I could keep hiding away. Or how no matter what insults I threw at him, he just tilted his head at me and smiled, along with a cheeky reply. I had found myself unable to bit back, no sharp replies firing back.  </p><p>I frowned, head leaning back against the pillow. I had ignored the hint of jealousy when Techno had picked up the phone to speak to Tharn, but at the same time relieved he didn’t have my number. I couldn’t handle more of Tharn as it was right now. He was changing something in me. I surprised  myself how easily I had given in to his silly request of food.  I was suppose to hate him, be disgusted, why was the hate floating away? </p><p>Sighting, I shook my head, trying to shake away the thoughts  of him. It had been like this all week. I had dazed away in class, desperately  trying to figure it out. I had ran ten laps around the football field, trying to tire myself out, but when stopping, the small flashes of Tharn’s hands whipping my chest down would appear. It was still a daze, but I couldn’t help but to shudder at the way he had slowly traced my arms with the towel, soft and cold, but every so gentle.</p><p>Somewhere in there, the images had changed after Techno admitting is had all been Tharn.  I hadn’t thought much of them at the time, but knowing it was Tharn made me revisit them.</p><p>I had remember someone pulling my shirt off, popping me against the pillows, gently replacing it with a clean on. It must have been Tharn. I could remember someone tucking me in, gently hovering over my bed, making sure I was okay. Even sick, I hadn’t resisted it or questioned it.</p><p>My cheeks gently burning, I buried my head in the pillows, forcing myself not to want to scream into the pillows of frustration. The dream of last night was still clearly in my head. </p><p>Tharn, again.</p><p>Tharn, hovering over my head.</p><p>Slightly touching my face, his hand coming up to softly massage my hair. As before, I had found myself relaxing, my body accepting the touch, leaning into it. That feeling of peacefulness had washed over me again. I wish I had woken up and pushed him away in my dream, but instead the feeling of disappointment when I woke up was still fresh in my mind. I had wanted it to be real, in some way. I had craved the contact, the comfort in his touch. It had felt so real. </p><p>I glanced over at the alarm clock on the nightstand, 10:45. Where was he? I was determined to stay up until Tharn came back, a little voice in my head still nagging me about last night.  I needed to get rid of these feelings, these thoughts, these ideas that had been entering my head, they didn’t belong there. Quicker the better, I wanted to go back to feeling the need to punch Tharn every time he was near me. I didn’t want to get lured into this dance any longer. </p><p>Hearing the door creak I quickly shut my eyes, trying to keep my breathing to normal rhythm.</p><p> I wasn’t surprised when I heard my bed creek slightly , the mattress  dipping at the extra weight. Tharn. My heartbeat was pounding in my chest, but I somehow remember to not move and keep my head and arms still. I heard him mumble into my ear, his breath gently tickling me, but I was too focused by the fact my heart was beating so loudly and quick, that the words didn’t reach my ears, it wasn’t a wonder Tharn couldn’t hear it. It felt like exploding, this heart of mine. </p><p>I felt a pair of lips brush every so slightly over my face, light as a feather, but it sent a shiver up my spine. Without realizing  I leaned into it, my body craving the touch.  I was waiting for the feeling of nausea , the urge to throw up and push Tharn off the bed in anger. To pick a fight. It never came. Before I knew it Tharn’s weight shifted off the bed, and I heard the bedside table lamp click off. Another creek and I knew Tharn had crept into bed, his back most likely turned away from me. </p><p>Opening one eye slightly, I peaked out into the darkness, my heart still beating rapidly. Half paralyzed, I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to get up and cause a scene, throw pillows and duvets around the room, make a tantrum. Another little tiny voice in a small corner of me, wanted Tharn to come back. I wanted to tug him closer, and lean in further. I wanted to bury my face into his chest and seek that comfort.  The one that seemed to hold the nightmares at bay. <br/>
Shaking my head, I threw the though away as quickly as it had come. It made no sense. Tharn was a man. He was gay. </p><p>I was most certainly not.</p><p>Gay.</p><p>Yet, I wanted more of his touch. Curiosity was peaking his head out. I wanted to know, if these feelings were the same as when my nightmares had come and he had been right there. It was one thing pretending, it was a whole different thing experiencing. I could still remember that other dream I had, the one in the basement, when he had pulled me in, and I had stopped fighting  and surrendered into all of it. </p><p>Frustrated  , I sighted out loud, throwing one of my pillows of the bed. The action helped a bit. Feeling childish, I scrambled  out of bed and went to pick up the pillow.</p><p>“You okay?” Tharn’s voice was only a whisper, but the noise made me jump.</p><p>“Jesus Christ” I had to take a second to recover. “You nearly gave me a heart attack ” I muttered angrily.</p><p>“Stop throwing pillows in the dark “ He snickered slightly. “Are you okay though?”</p><p>I could hear the genuine concern in his voice. “It’s none of your business , if I am okay or not”</p><p>Tharn sighted a little. “Are we really going back to this?”</p><p>“Back to what?” I asked nonchalant.</p><p>“You. pretending you’re fine” He stated.</p><p>“I am not pretending anything”</p><p>“My little sister can lie better then you Type”</p><p>I snorted at the reply. “Perhaps you should go and ask your sister if she is fine then”</p><p>“At least she is honest about what she says and thinks”</p><p>“I am honest” I pouted in the dark. “Besides wherever  I am fine or not, it has nothing  to do with you”</p><p>Tharn sighted. “I thought I made it clear I wouldn’t never just let you suffer Type, no matter how much you hate me. I can tell something has happened to you, at some point, and it has turned you into someone like this. Someone who pretends this and that, and the other, when in reality, I think you are just simply scared and in denial.”</p><p>“I thought we already established that I wasn’t scared of anything” I bit back, glad of the comfort of the darkness. It made the words sound less true. </p><p>Tharn shifted, and turned towards me. “There is nothing wrong to be scared of things. If we face what we are scared of eventually we will be free. We can’t spend the rest of our life’s hiding from the memories or the pain, or you will be stuck forever in that nightmare that you have every night”</p><p> “I don’t get nightmares” I was acting like a little kid again, refusing to admit any sort of truth.</p><p>“Right. Sweet dreams then” Tharn shifted again, his back turning away from me once more.</p><p>Restless, I shifted around in my bed, trying to find a comfortable spot. Sleep came eventually, but in the most unexpected  way. I felt the weight of my mattress shift again, but too tired, I didn’t fight it. I felt Tharn’s arms wrap around me, cradling me gently. I found myself being lulled into a dreamless sleep, once again hating myself for leaning and craving the comfort this man was able to give me. I should see this man as the devil, something evil but the soft humming from Tharn’s lips made me think anything but. Without realizing , one of my hands, grabbed onto Tharn’s like a small life line. Once more, the nightmares would simply have to wait one more night.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hope people are staying with this story and I am not simply writing to an empty audiance.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Confused, Confusion and Conversations</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>This will mark the end of Ep 3 for anyone who is unsure of the timeline xx</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> <br/><em><strong>“I love you. I hate you. I like you. I hate you. I love you. I think you’re stupid. I think you are a loser. I think you are wonderful. I want to be with you. I don’t want to be with you. I would never date you. I hate you. I love you.... i think the madness started the moment we meet and you shook my hand. Did you have a disease or something?” – Shannon L. Alder</strong></em></p><p>I didn’t move underneath the covers. My eyes shut tightly desperately trying to escape reality hitting me like a ton of bricks, the darkness swallowing up the whole room, protecting me from unwanted eyes. I was hiding. Undoubtedly hiding from Tharn, from conversations and confusion.</p><p>I didn’t dare to even turn to look in Tharn’s direction.</p><p>I had heard him roll over at some point, half moaning and half laughing.That felt like a lifetime ago.</p><p>There was only silence now.</p><p>Was he asleep?</p><p>He sounded asleep. </p><p>HOW could he even sleep?</p><p>Was he really that unaffected what had just happened?</p><p>I was still shaking. </p><p>Still angry.</p><p>A bit confused.</p><p>Trying not to panic.</p><p>I hadn’t moved since I ran under the protection of what my duvet was currently providing me right now. I hadn’t even dared to run out of the room. I should have. I should have ran as fast as I could. All though a small voice was reminding me that there was no point hiding. There was only one room after all. If I had left I would have had to return to the dorm at some point anyway. There was very little chance of escaping any of this. </p><p>The reality.</p><p>One room. Two beds. One currently confused Type, and one for some strange reason, a very relaxed and snoozing Tharn. </p><p>I kept my breathing shallow, afraid any sort of noise could wake Tharn up from his slumber. A panic was slowly setting off inside of me, spreading like brushfire. I had no idea what had just happened in that bathroom an hour ago. Clinging even harder to the covers, ashamed, embarrassed  I forced myself to let out a deeper breath, trying somehow to calm my heartbeat down. It was still beating as rapidly as before, showing little signs of calming down. </p><p><br/>What had happened in there? What had we just done? What had I just let happened? Why hadn’t I stopped it? I shouldn’t even have been able to...</p><p>I shook my head furiously, trying to shake away the imagines in my head. I didn’t want to go back to that moment, to the bathroom, to the pictures that were being rewinded in my head, like a playlist, over and over. I was still slightly tingling from the sensations, from Tharn’s lips trailing my chest, Tharn leaning against my neck, both of us panting. </p><p>Tharn. Tharn. Tharn.</p><p>Groaning, I buried my face in my pillow, my face burning red hot, biting down hard in order not to scream out loud. I wanted to glare in Tharn’s direction, but that would require making movements, and I wasn’t even ready for that yet. I still couldn’t calm myself down, let alone try and look Tharn in the eyes. I wanted to get up and tear that cover off him, wake Tharn up, and ask him how on earth he could fine. I wanted to throw every pillow in the room at him, shake him up to the point he could feel the same I currently was. Why wasn’t he currently up, feeling guilty or confused? Why wasn’t he up, apologizing and begging me not to kick his ass or sue him for sexual harassment? He should be lying there as anxious as I was. How was he even able to  stay sleeping? I glared angrily at my desk.</p><p>
  <em> <strong>“Because you wanted it” </strong> </em>
</p><p>My conscious whisper back at me, throwing it’s own honest opinion in.</p><p>
  <em>Shut up. I didn’t want anything. I didn’t want him.  I don’t want him! He is gay. People like him are perverts. They are evil, disgusting things.. </em>
</p><p>I disagreed with myself. The hatred was still there, for gay people. I knew that much, along with the fear. But Tharn wasn’t in that category anymore. He was gay. But he was also Tharn.</p><p>
  <em> <strong>“You wanted it” </strong> </em>
</p><p>It was trying again, disagreeing with me. Nagging. </p><p>
  <em> <strong>“You wanted it ever since that dream in the basement. Ever since you realized the amount of times Tharn has sat by your bedside, helping and hushing you to sleep. You started craving it. Your body got curious. You started thinking about it, dreaming it, wanting it.”</strong> </em>
</p><p>
  <em>No I didn’t</em>
</p><p> I protested back, refusing to listen to reason of any sort.  </p><p>
  <em> <strong>“Yes you did”</strong> </em>
</p><p>
  <em>No</em>
</p><p>
  <em> <strong>“You’ve been curious about it for a long time Type. He doesn’t make you feel disgusted  or nauseous. When he touched you, you didn’t feel that same fear as when you were a little kid. He makes you feel something else Type.  He takes away you nightmares. He changes you”</strong> </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He doesn’t make me feel anything. Not a single damn thing. He is gay. </em>
</p><p><em><strong>“Why didn’t you stop him then?”</strong></em> It was a good question. A very good question.</p><p>
  <em> <strong>“You could easily have overpowered him in one way or another. A strong man like yourself, one shove would probably have done it. He might be stronger then you, but the message would have come across quite clearly wouldn’t it?  But what did you do, you stood there, and you gave in, because the desire was there. You got curious, and you stopped fighting. Your body wanted it. You craved the touch. Your body shiver when his lips touched your chest, when he inhaled your scent. ”</strong> </em>
</p><p><em>I did do something! I pushed him away</em>.  </p><p>
  <strong> <em>“Pff. That’s a lame. A lame excuse and you know it. You told him to let you go, in a soft voice. You didn’t shout it out.  You didn’t punch him, and certainly didn’t fight it. You didn’t get mad like you have done before, and when he chose to ignore it, you put your arms around him and embraced him and gave in completely. Your body betrayed you.”</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>No I didn’t do that!</em>
</p><p>I shook my head, closing my eyes again  and trying  to shake away the images popping up in my head once more. My conscience decided not to be kind to me. Not one bit and I felt my cheeks blush again as the scene was playing in my head, like a broken tap recorder with no off button. I couldn’t stop thinking about it.</p><p>
  <em>Tharn brushing past me, his hands swift as his shirt fell to the floor. A cocky grin on his face, bold and confident. Grabbing me with confidence, and pulling me back into the bathroom. His firm body pushing me against the wall. So close, me and him, chests touching. Lips tracing, hands coming up and cupping my face. His breath tickling my face, teasing something inside me, my body shivering at his touch.</em>
</p><p>
  <em> <strong>“You wanted it”</strong> </em>
</p><p>
  <em>His hands confidently going lower, brushing up against my thigh, his face so close to mine. So, so bold. So, so sure of himself. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <strong>“You wanted it”</strong> </em>
</p><p>
  <em>His lips, gently brushing against mine resisting just a little, breaking my walls just a little, a part of me surrendering into it. Forgetting I was suppose to hate this, I was suppose to fight this. Pull back, push back. Stop it. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <strong>“You wanted it”</strong> </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tharn, going lower and lower, the towel dropping to the floor and me giving in completely. Hands travelling and touching. Stroking, My hands gripping his shoulders, so tightly. Clinging on.</em>
</p><p><em><strong>“You wanted it</strong></em>” </p><p>
  <em>Tharn’s face against mine again. His lips brushing against me, mumbling something. Me, somewhat of a mess, panting, surprised and wanting to embrace it, wanting to embrace him, leaning in, nearly giving in again. Wanting to taste those lips, chase those feeling. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <strong>“You wanted it” </strong> </em>
</p><p>Finally me snapping out of it, pushing him away, but not angry. Embarrassed and shy, towel thrown at him. </p><p>And so I was back to where I had been since. In my bed, hiding away. </p><p>“I had wanted it. “ The confession escaped my lips in a soft whisper, a small confession to the room. It caught me off guard. “I wanted it. I wanted Tharn. In those few minutes, I had wanted him.” The darkness didn’t answer back. </p><p>I finally managed to peak out of my hiding place, and as quiet as a mouse, I turned around and glanced at my roommate, very much sound asleep.<br/>Tharn was facing me, curled up with his sheet tangled around him. Shirtless Tharn, for such a big man, he looked so small and innocent, blissfully sleeping. </p><p>My thoughts quiet down in my head, and I found myself tucking one arm underneath my pillow, still facing Tharn, still looking at him. Sighting, I knew there was no way I was sleeping tonight. </p><p>But why Tharn? Of all people, why him? What the devil did he do to me?</p><p>The darkness didn’t answer back this time either, nor did my thoughts.  The room suddenly seemed so quiet. There were no answers to be found tonight. Only confusion and silent conversations.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I found myself rewriting this chapter multiple times and I am not happy with the end result as it wasn't what I had orignally thought but it was the better one out of the three versions that I wrote!  But I hope you guys enjoyed it non the less.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Making Mistakes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>This one is a long one so prep yourselfs! Also, I did use some lines from the show, added some to keep the flow of the story going...</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
  <em>
    <strong>“I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I’m out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best” -Marilyn Monroe</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>I had been in hiding all week.  </p>
<p>From the whole school, from Techno, Tharn, my parents. It had helped that No had decided to help me out regardless of how the whole picture situation had happened. Even though he hadn’t understood my actions, he was still trying to be that guy that didn’t hate me. I was putting our friendships through more hardship, and no matter how many tantrums  I was throwing at him, he was really trying to see my side of it.  I felt thankful for it, as it felt like the rest of the campus was not sharing that opinion. I wasn’t sure where I stood with Tharn. </p>
<p>Tharn had tried too. He had grabbed my arms, eyes begging me to talk to him, to help me, and for a small second I wanted to lean onto him, but then as quickly as the moment had come, the realization of what I had been labelled as came back as and so did the guilt. I had stepped away, his grip losing on my shirt, and his gaze following me with sad eyes.</p>
<p>He hadn’t tried again, but every time he had seen me on the bed, I could felt his gaze on me, his mouth opening, and then closing again. Whatever words he was trying to say seem to not want to make its presence known. Steps coming closer, then backing off. His mind as unsettled as mine, both of us walking on thin ice around each other. I didn’t want his pity, if that was what he was offering. I didn’t want his help either. </p>
<p>Sighting, I turned around and flopped over onto my side, my bed being my best friend this week, and my only comfort.  I had barely left it, apart from taking a shower whenever Tharn appeared , being very careful to actually lock the door this time. There was no point leaving the room as I simply didn’t even want to go anywhere. There was no other place to hide, nowhere to run. </p>
<p>In some ways I suppose I only had myself to blame for the mistakes I had made. But when that boy had put his arms around me, all those memories from the basement came flowing  back, and my anger had bubbled up, unleashing without mercy. How could I tell a stranger that the only guy who could seem to touch me was Tharn? I had kept my secrets safe all these years, I wasn’t going to explain myself over something that partly wasn’t my fault. </p>
<p>I had turned off my laptop, disabled my Facebook. I already knew what they would say. Narrow minded, Bigot, gay hater, the list would be endless.</p>
<p><br/>The darkness was falling over the room, covering me like a protective blanket. I could hear the door open with a click, a tired Tharn stepping through, two containers in a small bag. Glancing, he walked over to me with more determined steps then he had all week.</p>
<p>“You skipped class today too?</p>
<p>I glared, ready to pick a fight, it felt better to be angry then guilty. “Leave me alone Tharn” I growled, turning away, my eyes fixated on the phone again. </p>
<p>Tharn sighted, walking closer, and clearly not backing off tonight. “I talked to Techno. He said you skipped Gen Ed class”</p>
<p>Ignoring him, I felt the anger rising.  </p>
<p>“I know he can answer roll calls for you Type. But you’ve missed classes for a week” His voice concerned. “You can’t keep hiding like this. You can’t kept staying in this bed forever. At some point you have to get up and face up to your mistakes. This isn’t going to just go away. If you kept this up, you will get kicked out of school”</p>
<p>I rolled my eyes, still keeping my gaze at the phone. “ You’re so nosy, do you know that? Why don’t you just mind your own business Tharn, this isn’t your problem. This is mine, and mine alone. It has nothing to do with you. None whatsoever”  </p>
<p>“You should relearn your language. Nosy and worry have  two very different meanings” His voice soft, luring me to want to look at him, but my anger and stubbornness  was setting in quickly. </p>
<p>“You’re worried about me?” I want to laugh my ass off. “</p>
<p>“Then laugh” It sounded like a plea, just to get some other reaction from me. </p>
<p>I wasn’t laughing, but a part of me was admiring Tharn’s persistence. He had left me to be, for a whole week, allowing me to sulk and frown, but he clearly wasn’t backing down today.  </p>
<p>He tried again bravely, changing the conversation . “Anyway, let’s have dinner’</p>
<p>“I am not hungry” My voice like a child. </p>
<p>I was. I hadn’t had a decent meal in days, too scared to go down to the canteen, and too afraid of trying to run down to the shops to get a takeaway  I had lived off snacks, the cupboard looking very empty now.  </p>
<p>“Type, get up and eat something” Tharn grabbed me, desperately. </p>
<p>I was thankful for the anger that came. It felt good to explode at someone, even if it always seemed to be in Tharn’s presence  </p>
<p>“Don’t touch me Tharn. I told you to stay away from me. I made it very clear, you shouldn’t want anything to do with someone like me. I didn’t ask you to buy me dinner, and I’ve never once asked you to be nice to me. You did that all on your own. You made all these choices. Just stop being so freaking nice to me, you piece of shit” My anger shifted and, I bit, hoping Tharn would bite back, distract me from my reality. I didn’t want pity, I didn’t want concern. I needed the anger, the hate. To remind myself what was what, and whom I was suppose to hate. </p>
<p>Tharn, jolting forward , clearly having enough of my crap, grabbed me by the shoulders, shaking me. He looked like he wanted to yell something at me.  </p>
<p>“What are you doing Tharn, let me go! “ I wanted to be mad, I needed to keep that anger in in, because if that went I would have very little left as a last defence against my very persistent  roomie. If he kept pushing, I would break. I would end up telling him everything. He would know about the basement, about the nightmares, about him.  “Tharn let me go” I tried to growl, but even to my own ears it sounded weak and pathetic. </p>
<p>Surprising me, Tharn leaned into my shoulder, his breath tickling my neck. “Eat something, please” He was begging, voice soft and cracking, pleading with me. </p>
<p>I swallowed, feeling the cracks in my solid wall around my mind and heart. He was tugging at it, tapping gently, trying to find a small crack in. “I don’t  care if you see me as gay, or whatever thing it is that you hate so much. Whatever makes you so scared, I don’t care if I am all those thing and more. but please eat something. For my sake, please Type. I’m begging you “ and he truly was. </p>
<p>“You are begging a scumbag like me?” I tried again, wanting to light that fire again, but my anger was diminishing away , turning to ash. He was slowly putting it out. Pulling away from resting on my neck, Tharn looked at me, eyes soft and loving. He was breaking my walls down, making more cracks.  I could feel it, I could feel my resilience tugging, creeping away, the cracks ready to break.  </p>
<p>“I know its not your fault. I know you, better then you think I do. And I know you would have a very good reason to do what you did, I know your response must have been for a reason. You are not such a big scumbag as you pretend to be around everyone Type. You like to pretend you are, because it makes it easier to hate you, it makes it easier to make up excuses for you and for your actions.  “ </p>
<p>I couldn’t tear my eyes away, my hands gripping onto him. “But the whole university has branded me as guilty. They are looking at me in pure disgust. I can hear the whispers, the looks. I know what they are thinking.” I was whispering at this point, no anger left in me.</p>
<p>“I don’t care what people say, or what they think of you. To me, you are innocent.”</p>
<p>“Even though I hate gays, even though I hate you? I was regretting those last words, knowing only the first part of what I had just said was true. There was no hate in my eyes, nor in Tharn’s, He didn’t even flinch at the words as I spoke them out softly.</p>
<p>“Yes, even though you hate me”</p>
<p>I looked back at him in silence, in disbelief. I wanted to ask why he would allow me to hate him so easily, why he was sitting by my bedside, clearly caring for me. I wanted to pushing him away, tell him to go away, like I did with everyone else, but the way Tharn was looking at me, was not like everyone else. His eyes, so sincere. No matter what I had spat at him this year, that look hadn’t changed. Concerned, but caring. Soft and never hard, never judging me.</p>
<p>Before silence could settle in too long, Tharn pushed again. “Type, you can tell me what’s on your mind. I will always hear you out. I am on your side, always, please Type, you can tell me. “</p>
<p>I looked back, feeling those last bricks of my very well build wall crack around me and fall. </p>
<p>I swallowed, trying to gather the courage. </p>
<p>“Promise you won’t tell” I sounded like little Type now, when it first happened, and I could feel all those emotions coming back. Hesitating, I looked at Tharn. “Promise me that you won’t judge, and just sit there and listen, and let me finish. If I stop, I won’t be able to finish.  It’s like ripping of a band aid , I have to do it in one go“ I was shaking, scared of saying those words out loud.</p>
<p>Tharn didn’t say anything, just a slight nod, encouraging  me to go on. I felt my heart ache, bracing itself for the pain, my mind going blank as the memories came back, as clear as day. With a shaking hesitating breath, I looked at Tharn, who was sitting there with such a patience and understanding, I let walls break down around me, knocking one  stone down after one as my voice filled the room until there were no more words to be said. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>-@-@-@</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Feeling groggy, I rubbed my eyes, swollen from crying, the room pitch black . When had I drifted off to sleep? Confused, I shifted, feeling a familiar presence around me. </p>
<p>Tharn.</p>
<p>In my bed.</p>
<p>Sleeping.</p>
<p>Me.</p>
<p>In Tharn’s lap. </p>
<p>Suddenly I wanted to leap out of the bed, and hide. He hadn’t said much after hearing about my nightmares , unable to hear it to the end, he had stopped, hugging me, tears streaming down his face, acknowledging my fears and hatred.   </p>
<p>I shifted, peaking up at him. His eyes looked puffy too, his face tired. I suddenly had the urge to reach up and touch him. Tharn stirred, waking up too. </p>
<p>“Hi”</p>
<p>“Hello” I swallowed, unsure what to do. I was very aware of the fact that Tharn’s body was wrapped snuggly around me. I still wasn’t sure how we had ended up like this. We hadn’t started like this. </p>
<p>“You must have been exhausted” Tharn said softy as he reached out and brushed that flicker of hair away from my face, the action so smooth and unbothered.</p>
<p>“I couldn’t actually move away as you get clinging to me so hard, so we both ended up like this.” </p>
<p>“Huh?” I was still lying there confused. </p>
<p>“You feel right asleep after you stopped crying”</p>
<p>“I wasn’t crying” I replied back, pouting. “You were the one crying”</p>
<p>“Do you want to talk about it?” Tharn shifted a bit, ignoring my snarky remark, making himself a bit more comfortable against my pillows, still tightly  wrapped  around me.  </p>
<p>“Talk about what?” My voice low, knowing exactly  what Tharn was referring to.</p>
<p>“Type....” Tharn was using his, ‘don’t  bullshit me’ Type again. I was strangely getting used to it.</p>
<p>My courage all gone I found myself unable to reply, instead starring down at my hands. </p>
<p>Sighting, Tharn shifted again, but still not moving further away from me. </p>
<p>“I’m glad you told me. I am glad you opened up to me, even if it was only for a short while” I could feel Tharn smile softly behind me even if I didn’t dare to look him in the eyes, I was getting too used to his little habits. “It makes sense now. All of it. Why you hate gay people, why your reaction was so severe when you found out I was gay. I get it, I’m just sad you still feel that way after so long. I wish someone could chase away all those demons that has made you so angry and hateful.”</p>
<p>I couldn’t reply. The moment had passed, and I could feel some one those bricks being put up again. </p>
<p>“What about me?” Tharn asked concerned all of a sudden. </p>
<p>Confused, I turned around and looked up at Tharn. “What about you?”</p>
<p>“When I touch you, do you get scared, disgusted or frightened? Do I remind you of your nightmares?</p>
<p>“No” I answered quietly, shaking my head. </p>
<p>Tharn tilted his head, those dark eyes soft again. “Why?”</p>
<p>I glanced at him, even more confused  then the previous question.  “Why what?”</p>
<p>“Why don’t I scare you? Why can I touch you....” and by making the point even clearer, Tharn traced his fingertips up my arm, so softly,  teasing almost, sending shivers through me. “like this?”</p>
<p>Feeling myself blush, I swallowed and turned away from him. “I don’t know.”</p>
<p>“Interesting.. “ Tharn mumbled quiet to himself, shifting again. This time, he stretched  his legs out, slowly moving away from me and the bed. “I’ll let you get some sleep”</p>
<p>Even more confused, and now feeling somewhat cold with Tharn’s sudden warmth, I could only stare at Tharn, who was now chuckling at me. “Get some sleep Type” </p>
<p>Before my head had any time to register what was actually going on, Tharn had moved around the room, turning the remaining lights off and crept into his own bed. “G’night  Type”</p>
<p><br/>Not having regained any concept of what was actually going on, I slumped down onto my own bed, puzzled. I could feel a sense of relief  washing over me, glad that I had told Tharn, on the other hand, I was more confused then ever. Somehow it felt like I had just given him some sort of ammunition  to use against me. I could feel my heart beating, half wishing Tharn would have kept me company and stop my mind from racing. Feeling my eyes getting heavier, the last thought entering my mind was, if he truly was the reason? The reason for this change happening, for these unknown feelings growing in me? Why was it feeling like he was starting to fix what was broken in me? Eventually I drifted off into a dreamless sleep, dreading what tomorrow could possibly bring, now that forbidden secrets were out in the open air between me and Tharn. <br/> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This was a tricky one to write.. not sure if I did Tharn or Type justice with this chapter... Enjoy anyway and stay safe xx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Confessions</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A happier chapter xx Enjoy xx</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>
    <em>“Don’t be afraid of your fears. They are not there to scare you. They’re there to let you know that something is worth it. “</em>
  </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong>
    <em>- C. JoyBell</em>
  </strong>
</p><p>A sense of relief was washing over me and a peacefulness I hadn’t felt in days. The rumours had disappeared, nearly as quickly as they had come to being with. I wasn’t still exactly quite sure how it had all happened. The disbelief still playing in my mind. I refused to believe that something like this could have been dissolved in such an instant simply because Tharn had announced he liked me. Things never worked that way, they were never that simple. People didn’t work that way. The fear of my secrets slipping out was playing on my mind, but I wanted to shake that away. I wanted to hang onto that newfound trust that was building between us. He had looked honest, eyes sincere. So far, the only one who hadn’t been lying and hiding had been Tharn. </p><p>I let out a heavy sigh and glanced over at the bed next to me, Tharn immense in school work, ear phones plugged in, humming quietly  away, unaware of anything around him. He had gotten bold and brave with me now. Looked me straight in the eyes and said he liked me, that he wanted to have sex with me. </p><p>Me of all people. </p><p>Why? It didn’t make sense how he could even like someone like me. I had been nothing but rude and abusive to him. Only insults being thrown at him. Yet this</p><p>man had leaned forward and smiled at me. </p><p>“I like you... I want you”</p><p>I found myself puzzled at the words. Not scared or disgusted, no anger lingering behind it. Fear, yes, fear of feelings, but not of pain. A part of me had to admit something was there. Wherever  it was curiosity or something else, I wanted to surrender to it, and find out. </p><p>“What is it Type?”</p><p>“Huh?” Confused, I snapped out of my thoughts and focused my vision on Tharn, who was still studying, but had looked up from his books and was resting against the bed now, looking right at me. </p><p>“You were starring at me” Tharn stated simply, grinning widely  back at me, eyes hopeful. </p><p>“No I wasn’t” I replied back, frowning. “I was thinking and I just spaced out for a bit.”</p><p>“At me?” Tharn teased.</p><p>“I wasn’t looking at you. You’re face just happened to be in that general direction.” I replied back pouting, quickly turning my head in the opposite way of Tharn’s line of sight.</p><p>“What were you thinking so intensely  about then?”</p><p>“None of your business ” I bit back. </p><p>“Oh come on, don’t be like that. I know you were thinking about me” Tharn pouted back. “I thought we were finally starting to get somewhere in this relationship. You know, communication and trust and all that”</p><p>I rolled my eyes and snorted. “What relationship? There is no relationship. There is no us and all that” I answered back shortly, turning my head away to hide the rose-red cheeks. How was this man able to start seeing through me so quickly. </p><p>“Type....” Tharn was doing dragging my name out again, softly, begging. “Come o-“ He started, but as he was about to finish is sentence , his phone was buzzing off the bedside table. Frowning, he stopped whatever he was going to say, and I could see his face turning serious  at whatever it was said on the screen. Paying no attention to me, his fingers were typing quickly across the screen, no hint of playfulness left in his face. </p><p>Forgetting I was there, Tharn got up from the bed and quickly scrambled  his stuff together.  “I forgot, I got this thing I need to do, with a friend” He mumbled  quietly as he grabbed his jacket. </p><p>“Okay...” I answered, slightly confused at seeing Tharn’s mood change so quickly, and his thoughts wandering somewhere else. </p><p>“I’ll see you later” He stopped as he opened the door and turned around, giving me a small smile, but I could see it didn’t reach his eyes. For a small fraction of a second I found myself wanting to grab onto Tharn, and ask. I found myself all of a sudden wanting to get involved. He knew me more then I knew him, he had heard my secrets, and it suddenly hit me, that when it came to Tharn, I knew very little, if nearly anything at all. I had spent months hating him, spatting the word gay around him everywhere, but apart from that we hadn’t really gotten to know each other.</p><p>I managed to give a small smile back, hiding the feeling of hurt that flew passed my heart for a second.  Trying to settle down, I turned a film on my laptop, letting the noise fill the room and drown out any thoughts  or ideas about Tharn or anything else for that matter. </p><p>-*-*-*-</p><p>I woke up with a jolt, as a loud bang filled the room, revealing a very drunken Tharn trying to find his way through the room, hitting my desk lamp and knocking it in the process.</p><p>“Shhh....” Tharn whispered to the broken lamp now laying down on the floor, shattered in a million small pieces  ” We must not wake Type. Shh.. We need him to like me and if he gets angry he wont like me anymore. And I really really need him to like me.. Shhhh..” </p><p>Still half asleep, I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and turned my own table light on, giving enough light to see what was actually going on. </p><p>Tharn was drunk.</p><p>Very drunk. </p><p>He was trying to feel his way through the room, clearly not realizing  I had turned the light on. He was struggling and failing miserable. I found myself trying not to laugh out loud. It was an unusual sight for me to see him like this. I had never actually seen him loose control quite like this before. Not like me anyway.  <br/>Tharn was doing his very best to get his shirt off, getting tangled in. Holding my laughter in, I got up, and decided it had to be better to try and help out so we could both get some sleep.  </p><p>“Hang on Tharn” I reached out, and tried to stabilise him, grabbing half of t-shirt that was already half of his body. “You are not helping yourself”</p><p>“Shhh...” Tharn whispered as he grabbed onto my shoulder, balancing himself onto him. “We can’t wake Type up. “ He giggled a bit as he wobbled, grabbing me a bit tighter. “He will get sooo mad..”</p><p>“Okay” I whispered back, holding my laughter in again. “We won’t wake Type up, but we need to get you to bed” </p><p>I never really realized  how fit and heavy Tharn actually was, until now, when I was trying to get this one man to move across the room and onto his own bed.</p><p>“I’ms sorry...” Tharn mumbled, and suddenly bowed down to the broken lamp on the floor. “I think we woke Type up”</p><p>“It’s okay”</p><p>“Do you think Type is mad? “ Tharn was grabbing tighter onto me, too dazed. </p><p>“No, I don’t think Type is mad” I answered back, no idea why I was referring  myself in third person, but if it got Tharn into bed, I would gladly amuse drunken Tharn. “But we need to get you in bed, so that Type won’t get mad for us waking him up” I tried, gently nudging Tharn through the room.  </p><p>It seemed to work a little, as Tharn began shuffling his feet forward, still holding onto me with a tight grip. Fumbling through the room together, we both reached the corner of the bed and Tharn fumbled onto it. Feeling grateful that we had somehow made the few small steps through the room, I backed away to get Tharn a glass of water. </p><p>I hadn’t even taken three steps back, before I felt an hand grab my arms, pulling me back. </p><p>Surprised , I fell into Tharn’s naked chest. How had he gotten is shirt off? </p><p>“I’mm sorry” Tharn muttered.</p><p>“For what?” My voice shaking a bit as Tharn pulled me right into him, his arms coming around my waist, as we stood face to face, inches away. </p><p>“For waking you...”</p><p>“It’s okay”</p><p>“I’mm sorry.”</p><p>Swallowing, I couldn’t look away from Tharn’s eyes. “For what?”</p><p>“For liking you”</p><p>Confused, I wanted to pull back and away but even drunk Tharn was incredibly strong when he wanted  to. “I really really like you, and I really really want to have sex with you but I don’t want to end up pushing you away. I know all to well what it is like to have a one sided crush on someone. But every time I see you, I want to grab onto you, and push you onto the bed and kiss you so hard that we both forget to breath. Until I can make you stop thinking, and feeling and just surrender into it. I want to kiss you until both our lips are so bruised and swollen, that you will never want to be kissed by anyone else again. I want you, but everyday I have to hold myself back and wait, and let you drift away. Until whenever you are ready, and you will come to me and beg me, and we will both surrender into these feelings that we keep having. Because you can’t keep looking at me with those eyes and tell me you don’t feel anything at all”<br/>Swallowing, I found myself unable to turn away or reply. I ignored the itch to look down his chest and reach out and touch him. His hair was ruffled, and it looked so easy to just reach out and pull my hands through his soft hair. It would be so easy to lean forward those extra few inches, and meet Tharn’s lips. I found myself leaning forward, getting sucked into the moment. </p><p>“What if I wanted to have sex with you, right here and now? I whispered, feeling slightly brave as I leaned into Tharn even closer, our chests hugging, my legs twining into his. </p><p>“I would take you right here, and right now” Tharn looked incredibly sober for a second, until his serious face crumbled  and he started giggling again. </p><p>“I really hope you won’t remember any of this in the morning” I mumbled more to myself then the now passed out Tharn, happily sleeping. Sighting with relief, I tucked Tharn into bed and grabbed him a glass of water for the morning when the hangover would kick in. Cursing to myself, I went to bed feeling more confused with the confessions from both of us. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>If I made you smile a bit, I succeeded!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Surrendering</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>#This chapter has the raiting of Mature#</p><p>I wasn't going to write an explic chapter as I don't think smut writing is needed in order to write  a good story but it is romance so I have given it somewhat of a go. Please be kind as I rarely writing like this so I have no idea if it's good or not. </p><p>Also, I recommend turning on the song "Surrender" By Natalie Taylor while reading the chapter as this is what I was listning to as inspiration for the chapter...</p><p>Enjoy xx</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <strong>“ Life may not be pretty but it’s always  beautiful. We may only see the ugliness on the surface. That shit that only the world chooses to notice. But, if we dig deep, if we get to the heart of life, where there’s no pain or fear, where we can just be who we are and love freely without judgement, it’s really beautiful. “ – S.L. Jennings </strong>
  </em>
</p><p><br/>
I was panting already, time seemed to have stopped counting it’s seconds and minutes . I had  already lost count of how many times Tharn had kissed my neck, leaving small purple mark trail. My face was red hot, and I was tingling everywhere, my body going into overdrive.  My tongue was strangely warm despite all the ice cubs I had swallowed. My lips bruised and red.</p><p><br/>
Tharn traced my face with one trembling finger, hesitating once again. </p><p>I shivered at the gentle touch, a small moan escaping my lips, leaning in against the touch.</p><p>“Are you sure?” His voice was low and husky, eyes dark with desire as he looked down at me, pausing for a minute. </p><p>I swallowed, reality creeping back, unsure of what I was feeling, but I was lost for words, so I nodded slowly and I closed my eyes as he trailed lingering kisses down my face, and I tried to imagine what it had been like before, when there had been girl underneath me, and not Tharn, who was hovering over me. </p><p>His big strong chest pressing against me, rough hands trailing along my body. Strong and solid.</p><p>I couldn’t.</p><p>It was like those memories had all been erased in my mind, and no other thoughts could enter. </p><p>I wanted this to last forever. That this kiss, this moment, could last.</p><p>A few moments ago, I had asked Tharn to not kiss me, and just get on with it. But now, all I wanted was more. I grabbed Tharn harder, pulling him even closer to me, to forget. To just stop feeling, because right now, all I wanted to be was right here in this moment, with him, kissing him senseless. Because after everything, this was what I needed.</p><p>Soon hands travelled over yielding flesh. Soft sighs ghosted through the air. Lips railed invisible lines of pleasure as clothing fell away, leaving the skin bare in the warm light.</p><p>
  <em>I shouldn’t want this... </em>
</p><p>My mind whispered  as a pair of warm brown eyes smiled at me, pulling me in, dragging me under until I feel like I am drowning in Tharn’s eyes.. I found myself clinging to him, desperate to stay afloat, terrified of what will happen if I let go. </p><p>This really wasn’t the plan I had in my mind when I had gone ahead with my own idea. I had thought it would be over in just a few minutes. Tharn was showing no signs of stopping, his mouth finding mine again, with such urgency I had never felt before.</p><p>
  <em>Dangerous, this is too dangerous...</em>
</p><p>I wanted to yell, I wanted to stop him and push him away, but Tharn’s skin was so soft I can't bear not to touch him, I found myself craving it, He urged my bolder actions on with soft sounds of contentment, his own hands running over me, soothing and guiding. I was drowning in fire and kisses, with no concept of anything around me. I found myself unable to stop.</p><p>Tharn pulled away for a moment again, and I found myself letting out a little yelp of the lack of sudden lips trailing down my chest. He swallowed, dark eyes asking for silent  permission once again. I starred helplessly at him, knowing he could see everything inside of me, everything I had tried so hard to hide: the fear, the pain, the guilt, the bleak, empty landscape of my echoingly-silent mind.</p><p>"Come here," he murmured</p><p>With no hesitation, I came to him, sliding into the welcome warmth of  Tharn’s body. I wrapped my arms around him and arched, urging him on, giving permission back.<br/>
<br/>
"Type" he said softly, still checking on me as he gently stoke the back of my back, hands trailing softly and in control.</p><p>I could feel my control was slipping. I wanted, oh, wanted to lose myself in these feeling and sensations, I wanted to loose myself to him, to feel that weight on me, the comfort of being so safe, and wash away every bad memory of nightmares. <br/>
<br/>
"Tharn," I groaned, a warning and plea in one, a part of me getting scared again.</p><p>"It's all right,” Tharn said, his hands grabbing my shoulder, finding my hips, lips biting the back of my neck. "It's all right, Type. Let go."</p><p>I groan and press my forehead into the pillow, moaning hard, and inhaling the scent of sweat and musk and Tharn "I . . .” I began, not really sure what I mean to say. "Tharn I . . . . "</p><p>"I know," he whispered into my ear, and drops a soft kiss there. "Let go."</p><p>My control snapped and I found myself thrusting against Tharn hard, burying myself completely into the sensations, the fear slipping away as the pleasure takes over. Tharn whimpered at the sudden movement, but the message couldn’t be any clearer and soon the room is filled sounds. Sounds off needs and lust and he growled approvingly as he shifts his body over mine. One of his hands slided under my hips, the other one clutched at my shoulders; vaguely I find my nails biting into the muscles of Tharn’s arms, helplessly  as the sensations overtake my mind. His body tightened around me and I could feel Tharn quivered over me, his pulse fluttering as quickly as mine is. His hands finding mine and I find myself gripping hard onto him like a lifeline.</p><p>“Tharn”</p><p>I tensed and cried out as the pleasure surged through me, unable to hold back. It throbbed throughout my body, racing through vein and artery, nerve and muscle, washing away the near-physical ache of loneliness I had lived with it since that horrific moment when I had woken up, at the hospital and seeing the whole world had changed, when I had discovered that I had survived something that I wasn’t meant to, and how one choice could change your life.</p><p>Not alone, just for a moment, not entirely alone . . . .<br/>
<br/>
I found myself surrendering into it. The moment, the feelings, the pain and the pleasure. Tharn’s breath tickled my neck, and I found myself tired, but the urge to nuzzle closer into him. Giving it, I reached out, finding Tharn and pulling him closer to me.<br/>
<br/>
“Type...” His voice is soft, humming. <br/>
<br/>
“mmmmm...” I want to answer, but my mind is blown away with emotions and sensations and I feel like the only way to stop any off it, is to pull Tharn closer to me and bury my face into his neck. <br/>
<br/>
Tharn seems to understand somehow as he stops talking and leans back into me, stroking my hair gently and reminded quiet, as I surrendered.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Please be kind but please do let me know your thoughts!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Not Gay</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>We are now in the middle of ep 5 if anyone is confused about the time line xx</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <strong>Somewhere, far down, there was an itch in his heart, but he made a point not to scratch it. He was afraid  of what might come leaking out. </strong>
  </em><br/>
<em>
    <strong>- Markus Zusak</strong>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Feeling soar and disoriented, I shifted as I woke up, surprised to find myself in the same position as I had been in only hours ago. Still in the made up king size bed. Still at the end off it, my head against the end of the bed. Dazed, I looked around, Tharn had thrown the cover over me. He was gently resting against the pillows, eyes shut, a small smile on his face. </p><p>I was puzzled over my own actions, over the ability to have fallen asleep. I thought for sure it would have been, bang bam, thank you madame, and then that would have been it. I didn’t dare to look at my chest or neck. Just the thoughts made my cheeks turn red. I had gotten so caught up in the moment. </p><p>In me and Tharn. </p><p>I hadn’t expected it. </p><p>I had waited for the panic, for the fear but it hadn’t come. Tharn knew what he had been doing, and I had surrendered into it completely. </p><p>Did this mean I was gay now?</p><p>I shook my head, shaking the though away. It was only going to be the one time. To satisfy   Tharn and to kill my own curiosity. I could stop all those silly dreams and thoughts now, and Tharn could stop day dreaming about having me, as his wish had been granted. We could both move on with our lives, putting all these emotions to rest.</p><p>I nodded to myself, feeling good over the confirmations as I shifted off the bed and turned so I was facing the other way, my head resting against the head board and the pillows. I could feel the sleep taking over again, exhausting still there. Tharn shifted and I felt him seek out after me, one hand tugging at me, pulling me at my waist and pulling me in. </p><p>I was too tried to resist or ask him what he was doing. Snugging me closer, I felt Tharn’s breath against my neck, hugging me. Sleep took over and I forgot to push him away or snap at him. </p><p>It was over, right?</p><p>This.</p><p>What ever this had been.</p><p>One time thing. </p><p>It was out of the way. </p><p>Done and dusted. </p><p>Fiento. </p><p>Right?</p><p>I wasn’t gay.</p><p>Right?</p><p> <br/>
* * * </p><p>Sighting, I leaned into the warmth around me.</p><p>It was comfortable.</p><p>Peaceful</p><p>And I hated myself for getting used to it.</p><p>Cracking one eye open, I shifted my body a little. and glanced over at Tharn, snoozing away next to me, the covers only covering half of his body, one arm grabbing onto my hips, the contact light, but still there. </p><p>I knew I was starring, like I had for the last few nights. But no matter how much I kept looking at Tharn, sleeping, the thoughts didn’t make sense. <br/>
That one time thing, I had been curious about? It flew out the windows quicker then Tharn had pulled my shift off. His grin had been confident and cocky. I had been mad at the restaurant , I hated my body for betraying me. Tharn could seem through all that arrogance  I put up.</p><p>Sex friends. </p><p>I hadn’t corrected him. It felt like I had missed this whole important conversations  with him, but he had spat it out at the restaurant , and I  had chosen not say anything. I had chosen not to put an end to this whole, thing. Whatever this thing was. </p><p>Perhaps if I  had, I wouldn’t have found myself in this current situation once again. In bed, with Tharn, again. We had barely come back from the restaurant , me still slightly annoyed at the whole situation , before Tharn’s eye’s had changed and gone dark. With the same confidence as he had when he made his first move at he, he had pushed the door closed behind us, putting the groceries bags down and pulled me in. </p><p>His lips had been fierce , hungry, demanding. There had been nowhere to go. Tharn was all in my personal space, his hands finding my face, eye’s seeking permission.  Cursing myself, I nodded, and before I knew it, my shirt had been pulled off in swift movements.</p><p>Before I knew, I had found myself in this position  again. In less then 24 hours. </p><p>Naked</p><p>In bed</p><p>With Tharn. </p><p>Sighting again, I let sleep lure me into a lullaby again, a small smile on my face as I felt Tharn pull me closer once again. </p><p>I wasn’t gay, right?</p><p>* * * </p><p>Once had been a mistake, Twice had been a choice, and now a third time, it was becoming a habit. Tharn was.  A habit I found myself unable to resist.  I was drowning and falling at the same time. Falling harder and quicker then I was realizing. </p><p>Which would explain my current hide out. The shower still running.  I think Tharn was still at the bar, I didn’t know. I had ran away, feelings surfacing  that I wasn’t ready to face.</p><p>Tharn had sat there, his hair dark and more ruffled then normal, and he had been so so close to my face, leaning in. I had gotten sucked  into his dark eyes, and as his lips had touched mine, I had forgotten where we were. Out in public, kissing.  But his lips had been so soft and gentle, I had found myself unable to resist it, for a short moment. For a few seconds, I had been caught up in the moment, and when he pulled back, I found myself longing, for a small fraction. </p><p>Then the haunting thoughts  had come back, and the  panic had set in at Tharn’s words. Reality and fear. At some point I would have to address all this. But I didn’t want to. Swallowing, I abandoned my hiding place and opened the bathroom door, Tharn already in bed. </p><p>Perhaps I could ignore the hurt in Tharn’s eyes at the bar and pretend everything was still okay? Perhaps I could ignore the look of longing, and the look of something more in Tharn’s eyes as he had kissed me. Perhaps, I could just pretend that things could just stay the way there were, and unspoken things could just remain hidden. Perhaps I could still pretend that this was still all big mistake and that nothing would ever change. Perhaps I could keep denying all these feelings </p><p>That I wasn’t gay. </p><p>I was not falling for Tharn.  </p><p>I wasn’t gay. </p><p>Right?</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>If people have certain scenes they would like to see for the next few chapters,  now would be a good time to let me know otherwise I will keep going xx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Just Friends</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>This chapter did not end up like I had thought but went with it anyway.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong><em>Sometimes, reaching out and taking someone’s hand is the beginning of a journey. At other times, it is allowing another to take yours. </em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>- Vera Nazarian </em> </strong>
</p><p><br/>I glared angrily at the empty bed next to me, to tidy and unslept in. Tharn had kept doing this for a few days now. I couldn’t quite grasp why. I couldn’t fix something if I didn’t know what the problem was, and whatever was on Tharn’s mind he wasn’t sharing it with me. I had tried, god knows I had tried, but Tharn’s lips had remind shut, so had his actions. I wasn’t going to apologise  for something I had no idea what I had done. For someone who had been so bold and straightforward with me these last few weeks, confessions, actions and feelings all thrown out there, Tharn sure wasn’t communicating  at all. I didn’t know what to do. We weren’t in a relationship. We weren’t a thing. </p><p>Friends. </p><p>Yes. </p><p>We were friends.</p><p>That was it. </p><p>I hade made it clear and obvious. </p><p>But the look in Tharn’s eyes when he had kissed me was still playing on my mind. The look of hurt flashing across his face as I had pulled away had been clear. But what had he been expecting from me? I wasn’t gay. I wasn’t anything. </p><p>But his eye’s had said a thousand words, and his lips had spoken the words I didn’t want to hear. </p><p> Sighting heavily, my mind all clogged up, I grabbed my phone. The black screen glaring back at me, almost in a mocking manner. Realization hitting me on the head, I still didn’t have Tharn’s number. Among all this, whatever this still was, I hadn’t asked for it. There hadn’t been a need. All we ever did was hang out in the room, and then some. There hadn’t been a need to have the sudden urge to text him, to ask him for something. Our thing, it didn’t work like that. We weren’t close, friends but not friends.   </p><p>My hands hovered over Techo’s number, a small text couldn’t hurt. </p><p><em>“Hey man, can you send me Tharn’s nr?”</em>”</p><p>A few minutes  later my phone blinked  back.</p><p>
  <strong>“What did you do now? Another fight?”</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>“No asshole.”</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>“Type come on man...” </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>“What did you do?”</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>“I don’t know. That’s the problem. He won’t talk to me..”</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>“You think texting him would help?”</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>“It can’t make it worse”</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>“Knowing you it can!”</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>“Dick. “</em>
</p><p>
  <strong><em>“</em>Alright man, here it is. Be nice”</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>“I am nice”</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>“Yeah and I am the captain of the football team” </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>“Fuck off”</em>
</p><p>I rolled my eyes at the reply, but with another bling, Tharn’s number appeared  on the screen. My finger hesitated, hovering over it. I was regretting asking for it now, the power to amend suddenly scaring me. I didn’t know what to type. I didn’t know what to fix. Having a way of reaching him, wasn’t solving the fact that I was still clueless to the silent treatment I was getting. </p><p>We were both dancing in circles around each other. Tharn, knowing my heart better then I was at the moment, pushing me out of my own comfort zone, saying things I wasn’t ready to face. My mind racing and running away, my actions betraying my own thoughts. I wasn’t dancing, I was running away. Fast and hard. </p><p><br/>The kiss had been nice, sweet, soft and I got swept away for a second, but we were crossing a line. A line that ‘friends’ didn’t cross.  We were crossing it, we were running so far way from it, and I needed it to be there. Because if there was no line, no mark to show where the boundaries  to cross where, if we started, I would have start coming to terms with this dance that we were dancing. I would have to stop, get off and run back to the other side, back to my comfort zone. To where kisses tasted like sandpaper, and didn’t make me shiver, to where touches felt cold and distant, hands fumbling forced to preform. To where lips couldn’t touch and would hold the tiniest secret.  That I hated and liked what Tharn could do to me. That I kept craving this. This intimacy. I hated how he knew what he was doing to me, and I didn’t. I hated this new found power Tharn was keeping over me.</p><p>Normally, I would move onto the next girl, anything complicated never resulted to anything and I could move on. But as I looked down on the black screen, I didn’t want to move on. I wanted to fix whatever I had cracked, whatever I had broken at the bar. That had to be it. I couldn’t think of anything else. But I wasn’t ready to let this go. I hadn’t figured us out yet. This unsaid thing. Forbidden territory.</p><p><span class="u"><strong>“We need to talk – Type”</strong></span> </p><p>It was short. </p><p>No replay came back.</p><p>No matter how long I looked at the screen.</p><p>It remained silent.</p><p>Mocking my effort. </p><p>At some point, darkness faded and the morning sun filled the bedroom. The other side remaining empty, and still a puzzle to me, but a little post it note was stuck to my bedside table. </p><p>
  <span class="u"> <em>“No we don’t”</em> </span>
</p><p>I looked down on it, confused for a second, until the handwriting made sense. Tharn. One, Two, three little words.  I sighted, still confused. I took the note and angrily scrambled it  together. The words were clear, but the message was not. </p><p>Frustrated  , I stood up and walked over to my desk, pulling one of the smaller draws out. The small yellow little post it notes were neatly stacked there. Take the pile out, I felt my stubbornness  reappear. If Tharn wanted to play, we would play. </p><p>I started writing.</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">“We need to talk”</span> </strong>
</p><p>I put the little yellow note over his desk, in his line of site, it would be impossible to miss, unless he ducked his head and turned blind at the same time.</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">“You’re being jerk”</span> </strong>
</p><p>That one went on the nightstand, in bigger bold letters. I was tempted of writing it with one post it for each letter, just to make sure the message was coming across.  </p><p><span class="u"><strong>“What is your problem?”</strong></span> </p><p>The closet seemed to be the best place for the little note, lighting up it’s presence. He had to get changed at some point, so it wouldn’t be missed. Unless Tharn decided he didn’t have to undress for the foreseeable future.  </p><p><strike>“I miss you”</strike> </p><p>My hand paused as I looked down on what I had just written. Quickly I tore it up. </p><p>
  <strike>“I like kissing you. Like, like kissing you.”</strike>
</p><p>That one went straight in the bin, torn up too. </p><p>
  <em>“I’m sorry for being a jerk, for pulling away, for being unable to come to terms with all this. For being unable to say any of these words out loud”</em>
</p><p>I glanced down, torn, confused and unreasonable  with my own feelings.  Quietly I put the little note back in the draw, the black letters remaining untorn, still stuck to the rest of the untouched pile of post it stickers. Like too many feelings and thoughts, I closed them together with the desk draw, letting things go unanswered and unclear. A silent confession hidden away, hoping that like with everything else, Tharn would perhaps be able to read between the lines, and could see me through them like he had until now. That I was trying, in my own way, I was sorting out my messed up conflicted head. That, whatever this thing between us, was something, something else, something more. Other then just friends.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>this marks the end of ep 5 x Next up would be the whole girl fiasko... and Type getting to terms with the fact that He want Tharn and only Tharn, all though I still don't know how I will end up writing chapter 12 at this point, so the next update might take a few days.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. 1 Step Forward, 10 Steps Back</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <em><strong>“But you cant make people listen. They have to come around in their own time, wondering what happened and why the world blew up around them. It cant last. </strong> </em>
  <br/>
  <em> <strong>- Ray Bradbury </strong> </em>
</p><p>The tension was back in the bedroom. </p><p>The confusion.</p><p>The denial. </p><p>The unspoken words.</p><p>The truth hiding there, small and cowardly,  in a deep corner of my heart, and denial pushing through, lashing out.</p><p>The look of hurt in Tharn’s face, was clear. I had know what to say, I had know what buttons to push at him. What words to throw at him to make him back off. I was always good at that. Speak the harsher words, and people will stop attacking you, they will stop pushing for the truth. Use your fists, and they become too shocked to get back at you. The more you push, the less they are to fight back at you, only if you are aggressive enough. I was using Tharn’s kindness against him. </p><p>Anger and stupidity had been regular visitors and no matter how much I shook my head or threw my fists around, they had lashed out, stopping the truth my own heart already knew but what my head was too stubborn to realize.  </p><p> One step forward and 10 steps backwards. </p><p>I thought I had take a step forward towards Tharn, to kisses and touches. To secrets being untold, and hands entwined  with each other. One step closer to whatever this dance, this thing we were playing at. But then, it seemed fate had give me a chance. A chance to run back, to turn around and hesitate. </p><p>One step backwards to girl, with a small face, pretty long hair and fragile hands. To Pufai, innocent and soft. </p><p>Another step backwards to what was normal and right, and approved. To show Tharn I wasn’t gay. I was not. </p><p>Stepping a third step back to my comfort zone, to cheeky text messages and flirting. I still had it. I could be sweet and soft to girls, it was easy. Yet the words I had always thrown to Tharn had been harsh. Girls were easier, so much easier. </p><p>A fourth steps back to where I didn’t have to face my other feelings. My other longings, to Tharn’s touches and kisses. To the way he grabbed my neck and pulled me in, hard and strong. To the way he looked at me, like I was the only one.</p><p>Fifth step had been easier, to distance Tharn, to push him away. Shout, scream and fight. To show him how wrong he was about me. The same old lies, over and over, but they still worked. They still kept everything locked up, and safe.</p><p>Sixth step was the line. The white, big unspoken line. Draw the line. Make the rules clear. Casual lovers.</p><p>Seventh step was harder but it was there. The effort, the time to try and see her, to try and pretend to have an interest her.</p><p>The eight step hadn’t even been my idea, but maybe that had helped. Give her a gift,  try and be affectionate to her instead of Tharn. </p><p>Ninth. Making Tharn give up all hope, to think whatever we had been was over. No more dancing, no more kisses in the dark. No more anything. </p><p>Tenth. Be with the girl. Go all the way, erase everything me and Tharn did. Replace kisses with her. Erase his hands on me by touching her. Erase, erase, erase.   </p><p>***</p><p>Somewhere in the back of my head I was painfully aware that it’s Pufai kissing me, and not Tharn. That it wasn’t Tharn’s body underneath me, but a fragile small female, soft and eager. I tried to push past the numbness filling me, her body felt cold for some reason. Gathering resilience to my feeling, I pushed pasted it again. I could do this, this was silly. I had done this before. Pufai was encouraging me, and I had to force myself not to gag. My own body was betraying my own thoughts  and feelings. It wasn’t having it. </p><p>This isn’t Tharn</p><p>It was screaming, refusing to react to the girl underneath me. </p><p>“No” I pulled away. She didn’t hear me and grabbed my neck again, trying to pull me in again, but the nausea hit me harder. I pulled away again, with more force, nearly forgetting that she was only a girl. “I can’t do this”</p><p> Pufai was starring at me now, tears streaming down her eyes. I didn’t dare to look up. I didn’t dare to look at her half naked body, the shame burning in my eyes. I slowly moved off the bed, trying to locate my shirt. </p><p>“You what?” She was getting angry now. </p><p>“I’m sorry” My voice a bare whisper. “I am really sorry, but I can’t do this”</p><p>‘Why not?” She questioned, stepping off the bed too, getting closer to me. “You seemed pretty into it. In fact, that’s all you’ve been doing all night. Giving me hints,  encouraging  me on. </p><p>She tried to grab me again, pressing herself against me. </p><p>“I’m sorry”</p><p>“Stop saying that!” Her tears were back again now, but she had made no attempt cover herself up.“You are the one that asked me out!”</p><p>“I know”</p><p>“You are the one who bought me a present”</p><p>“I know”</p><p>“You touched me, there in the restaurant, you are the one that lead me on!”</p><p>Shamefully, I nodded my head. “I know”</p><p>“You are the one that kissed me”</p><p>“I know”</p><p>“You wanted to come here, you wanted this..”</p><p>“I know”</p><p>“I thought you wanted me..” Her voice cracking. She looked incredibly small and fragile. My guilt was eating on me. But I could no longer ignore what my body wanted, my mind all caught up now. There was only my heart left that hadn’t gotten the memo.</p><p>“I know” I didn’t know what else to say.</p><p>“Stop saying that” The anger was coming out of her now, bubbling up. I couldn’t blame her. This was all on me. </p><p>“I don’t know what else to say”</p><p>She crossed her arms and took the last few steps toward me so that there was nowhere to go. “How about the truth”</p><p>“There is someone else” I whispered low, still unable to lift my head to look at her.”I’m dating someone else”</p><p>“Bullshit” She wasn’t moving from her spot. “I’m not buying it. You have done nothing but text me for the whole week, and taken me out to meals. “</p><p>“There is... “ </p><p>“Try again”</p><p>I looked up this time. Her eyes weren’t filled with tears anymore. She was glaring at me, firmly, making it clear she wasn’t backing down. </p><p>“Would it really matter if I told you the truth?” I replied, my voice still low. </p><p>“Yes” She nodded, giving me a bit of distance as she stepped back. “I am the one standing in my own bedroom, half naked, with a guy who doesn’t want me. Who has lead me on for days, making me thing this is what we both wanted. The truth matters. I deserve to know” She still hadn’t covered up, more angry then embarrassed. </p><p>I took a shaking breath, testing the words in my head. “Tharn”</p><p>Her body shifted at the word. “I’m sorry.... what?”</p><p>...Shit...</p><p>I froze, panicking and hyperventilating inside. Pufai moved closer to me again. “Did you just say Tharn?” She snorted, arms crossed again. </p><p>Hesitating  I looked at her. The truth was there, on my lips, wanting to escape and shout itself out. “Yes, Tharn”  I nodded, a burden being lifted off me. </p><p>“Your roommate , Tharn?” She asked, in disbelief .</p><p>I nodded again. “Yes, Tharn.”</p><p>“He’s gay. “ </p><p>“Yes.” I swallowed. </p><p>For a second, none of us spoke. </p><p>“So you’re gay?” She asked, the anger leaving her voice.</p><p>“No”</p><p>“But you like Tharn?” Confusion in her voice. </p><p>“Yes” </p><p>“Have you slept with him?”</p><p>I nodded silently again. “Yes”</p><p>“But you’re not gay?”</p><p>“No” </p><p>“This explains everything then!” She mumbled angrily and sarcastically. “So lets see if I got this right” She started pacing around the room, away from me. “So you don’t want me, you want your gay roommate..” Pufai paused, turning around to look at me. “ but you, Type, are not gay. “ She stopped, pointing at me. </p><p>I stood there, hopeless and with no answers to give, and no actions to take. </p><p>Pufai sighted, as she picked up her blouse of the floor. “Okay” </p><p>“Okay?” </p><p>“Okay, I believe you. But I don’t forgive you for what you’ve done here tonight. I will accept what you have said to be here but that won’t change the fact that you hurt me here tonight Type. And all because you are not brave enough to admit that you are gay.”</p><p>“I am not gay” I protested low again. </p><p>“Right. But you want Tharn.. “ She laughed, one hand brushing away a strand of hair. “That make you gay... “</p><p>I choose to remain silent at the statement. “I am sorry though. For hurting you and for leading you on.”</p><p>Pufai didn’t reply back, her back now turned away from me. </p><p>Feeling like there were no more words to be said, I turned around and away from the bed and Pufai, and looked at the door. </p><p>“I won’t say anything” She suddenly said, my hand at the door, ready to leave. “I won’t tell people who it is that you’re seeing. That you like Tharn. I think that’s something you have a right to try and admit to yourself first. But I hope you will though. Admit it, I mean. That you’re gay.”</p><p>“I’m not gay” I wanted to whisper, but instead, I just nodded to Pufai and let out a small thank you and made my way back to the dorm. </p><p>***</p><p>Now here I was. One hand gripping the door handle to the room, our room. My actions hesitating. I wanted to take back all those steps, and take another step towards Tharn, again. Despite hurtful words and actions. But no matter how hard I had tried to run backwards again, I had stumbled and fallen, stubbornly ignoring the pain, and here I was now. By a door, filled with small cuts in my heart, that wanted to mend. Knowing the only steps I wanted to take was towards Tharn. I hesitated, remembering every word of pain and anger I had lashed out at Tharn this past week, in fear and denial .  </p><p>Slightly shaking, I opened the door, as the darkness welcomed be. Tharn was on the bed, his back turned to me. I had no words in my head to explain my actions, I had no actions to explain the stupidity of my own thoughts. I could feel his anger as he laid there, the music faint in the room, drowning me out. <br/>I looked at Tharn’s strong back, remembering the honesty I had given Pufai, and looked at the man lying in the bed, his own pain clear as day. Feeling a surge of braveness, I gathered my own inner courage, and grabbed onto Tharn.</p><p>“I am sorry” my lip’s whispered. </p><p>“I want only you” My body said as I hugged the other man tighter, letting go of my guilt and fears.</p><p>I let the words flow, the tears break, and the truth set itself free in the darkness. If it wasn’t enough to convince Tharn that I was sincere and sorry, then I didn’t know what could.  If showing him my shattered, and confused heart wasn’t enough I had nothing left to give.  So I hugged him, grabbed him as hard as I could, hoping and praying that Tharn would forgive me again, just this once more time. </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. True Friendship</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sorry for the long update. This chapter isn't even that long..but I really struggled to write the next chapter I had thought up. I usually write a chapter in one go. (Takes about 2-3 hours depending on the lenght of the chapter) otherwise I lose the flow of it and it doesn't turn out good or I lose whatever thoughts I had when I was writing. it's hard to explain,but here it is anyway. Not happy with the result...</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <strong>“If the person you are talking to doesn’t appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear. </strong>
  </em>
  <br/>
  <em>
    <strong>- A.A. Milne</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>My thoughts were spinning as I laid in bed. I wasn’t doubting my confession to Tharn. I had felt lost, and confused, but in my weird thoughts, I couldn’t escape it. It was love, of some sort. He was making my blood boil, my skin tingle. Whatever this was, it felt good, and it felt okay. </p>
<p>I didn’t know a lot about love, I didn’t know if this was what it was suppose to feel like. But I couldn’t deny that Tharn was in my head, in my thoughts, and I had decided to not hide anymore. But that didn’t take away the fact that I was absolutely clueless about love. Up until now, all the things I had done had been wrong, yet this man that was currently sleeping next to me, had chosen me. He had seen me, set in my ways, in denial, and had chosen  me anyway. There was nowhere left for me to hide. </p>
<p>Tharn looked peaceful in his sleep, one arms wrapped around me, the other one tucked underneath me like a pillow. It felt safe, comfortable. I smiled as I snuggled closer, still not regretting the choice, not yet. But I was wondering if I could survive this clueless love, these emotions. I was lost, and now found.  Out of instinct, Tharn snuggled me closer, and I fell asleep, feeling loved and safe. </p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Techno was not giving up. He had been trying to locate me ever since Tharn had grinned at him in the cafeteria, letting my secrets escape. I knew there would be no hiding it, at least not from Techno. He may be goofy , swept up with thoughts  of being the football captain, but surprisingly , sometimes he truly caught onto things, and his tendency  not to let them go, made me stop in my tracks. This was a conversation I would not be escaping, or winning for that reason. </p>
<p>“Come on man” Techno said as he  said down on the bench beside me. gently tapped me on my leg with his, nudging  me on. “Spill it”</p>
<p>I bit my lip, hesitating. I didn’t know how to have this conversation. “Spill what?” I replied, a bit grumpy, knowing all too well what he was referring to, but buying myself time to sort my own thoughts out. </p>
<p>Techno squinted annoyed at me. “What Tharn said in the cafeteria”</p>
<p>“Said what?” I tried. </p>
<p>Techno groaned as he kicked me again, lightly, frustrated. “You and Tharn!” He exclaimed, eager to talk about the whole situation. </p>
<p>I scanned my friend up and down, feeling my cheeks turn red, at embarrassment. Judging by Techno’s reaction he wasn’t disappointed with the news, more excited that he was finally right about something. Right about his hunch. “What about me and Tharn” I tried, faking ignorance.</p>
<p>“Oh come on man!!!” Techno whined loudly. “I know I was right all along! So spill. You and Tharn. How, when where.. I want to know everything” </p>
<p>I couldn’t help but to crack a small smile at Techno’s enthusiasm. He was giving me his full support, and despite my previous actions, showing no judgement.</p>
<p>“Are we really having this conversation?” I asked, raising an eyebrow at my friend. We didn’t really do this. We didn’t talk about personal stuff a lot, it ruined the dynamic. </p>
<p>“You bet your ass, we are” Techno nodded. </p>
<p>Sighting, I gave up. “We are only having this conversation the one time” I replied, with a warning. </p>
<p>Techno help his hands up as to acknowledge it. “Fine by me man.”</p>
<p>“What do you want to know?” I groaned, already dreading this whole thing. </p>
<p>“How did it happen? I thought you hated gays, I thought you hated him”</p>
<p>“I did” I acknowledged honestly. “But then, I don’t know man, it was different. Tharn is different “ My cheeks turned bright red again. “But in a good way I think” I added. </p>
<p>“Aarrg” Techno cringed at the answer but laughed and smiled at me.” I knew it haha. From hate, love always grows you know. It was bound to happen” He teased as he laughed. “So are you together, together? He asked. </p>
<p>“Mmm.” I nodded slowly. “We are together, together”</p>
<p>“Awww” Techno grinned again. </p>
<p>“Why are you so happy about it anyway?” I asked, looking at my friend who hadn’t stopped smiling since I confessed it. </p>
<p>“I am just glad you stopped hating him to be honest” He laughed. “I thought it was going to be world war 3 between you two with the way you were both going at each other. I’m happy for you man. If you are that’s it” He added. </p>
<p>I nodded back. “I think I am. It’s all a bit strange you know. I don’t really know a lot about love, or any of this” I gestured to Techno.”But he makes me feel good you know, and he makes me want to be better”</p>
<p>“Okay, okay” Techno put his hands up. “You are making me cringe now, you being all lovey dovey like this man” </p>
<p>“Just don’t tell anyone” I quickly added. “Don’t you dare rat me out” I warned. </p>
<p>“Wouldn’t dream of it.” He said, his expression suddenly serious. </p>
<p>I looked at Techno, amazed and puzzled at the same time. I don’t know what I had been expecting, I hadn’t even thought about having this conversation with anyone at all to be honest. I half registered at someone was shouting at us to get back to actually playing football, and both me and Techno got up from the bench. I wasn’t sure how to finish this actual conversation  but there was no need. Techno got up and gave my shoulder a light squeeze, before grinning and running off to join the others on the football field. I watched him run off, feeling puzzled and with a sense of relief. Perhaps this insignificant small moment on a bench, would be one I would never truly be able to fully understand how big it actually was, non the less,  I felt grateful knowing that I had full support from someone without a hidden agenda. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I am debating wherever to write any scenes when both tharn and type are away from each other for a month. don't know if there is a story inbetween there that the show didn't show.. if people want me to, let me know, otherwise, I will skip that whole section and jump into when the new semester starts...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. STORY SUSPENDED - FOR NOW -</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>This story is currently suspended - for now -</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Due to the  very sudden passing of my mom,  and the fact that I've had to fly home to support my dad and brother through this,  this story is currently suspended for the unforeseen future .</p><p>The funeral is at end of July and after that I will be making arrangements to fly back to the UK and go back to work. I don't know what kind of state I will be in when I get back so I don't know when I will be able to mentally be able to get back to writing.  Maybe straight away.  Maybe not. It might be a way to deal with everything. I don't know.  I don't even know how to deal with all of of this.  It's all still very unreal ...</p><p>My sincere apologies and I do hope people will come back and carry on reading, whenever that will be...</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>